Christian Creation Tale:
Once upon a time there was a god (let’s call him God). God was zippin’ around the universe and was all bored and shit and he was like, “Man I should make some planets”. So he made some planets and it took about a day. The next day he was still kinda bored so over the next five days he put stuff on one planet (cuz fuck all those other planets; they be bitches. God made lots mountains and billions of shrubberies and millions of bunnies to eat those shrubberies and like ten thousand bears to eat those bunnies and finally one man to eat all of the above. Then God was tired to he took a nap and for the rest of time he expected everyone else to take a nap that day too.
So this man, called Adam, was namin’ the bunnies and bears and sleeping on the ground naked when he too got bored one day and was like, “God, you made like a million bunnies so can you, like, make one more human?” And God was like “Sure, little man dude, but imma need one of those ribs.” And Adam laughed and God laughed and then God said, “Seriously. Imma need a rib.” So Adam gave God a rib and God made a woman out of it. Adam named her Eve.
God then laid down the rules: “No talkin’ to snakes, no leavin’ the garden, and no eatin’ apples. All your apples are belong to me. Oh, and you have to obey me and shit.” Adam and Eve agreed and they went frolicking away.
One day snake came up to Eve and was like “Hey babe, you wanna share an apple with me?” And Eve was all like “No, no, no, well ok.” And that apple was delicious. So delicious she took one to Adam and he ate one too. God heard them eatin’ his apples and was all like “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY DAMN GARDEN!”
So the two ran away and God put a guard at the garden so no one else could ever eat his apples again.
And that’s how people came unto this earth to populate it.
A Native American Creation Tale:
Once upon a time there were lots of gods hangin’ out in the heavens. The head god, the one who carried the sun around all day, had two sons, but they sucked at conversation and that made him lonely. So he said to his sons “Go down into the Earth Mother’s womb and tell all the beings down there that if they come out to the surface to hang out and give me offerings I’ll take care of them forever.” And the sons were like “Sure thing”.
So they dived into the Earth’s vagina, no questions asked, and told all the beings inside that they were being evicted from the womb so gather their shit and let’s go. This seemed like a solid plan to the beings so they packed their shit and made their way up the four inner worlds until they reached the surface.
The Sun god was happy to see them. Well, not really. These beings had horns and scales and were real ugly. So they were made to take showers and then some of them began to look more like humans. Now the Sun god was happy to see them. Once they had all showered the stank off, the almost people had to travel to the Middle, which was the Sun’s gods fav spot on the earth. They traveled for many years and encountered talking animals that helped them do stuff like planet corn to eat.
Eventually they made it to the Middle and they finally were completely human. Everyone, including the gods, animals, men, and women, was happy. The humans gave the gods gifts and in turn the gods made sure they had good crops and good hunting and lots of water to drink and eventually they even got a magic pipe (but that’s another story).